friends and neighbors

I live in the middle of a very Spanish neighborhood.  There are 9 different apartments besides ours, and between all of these apartments there are over 30 children.  They play freely over all the hilltop surrounding our collective apartments.  This is good.  Children playing and being happy is good.  It is good until they play right under your front window, and the adults move their chairs and Corona’s under the shade of the tree that sits outside our window.  That absence of privacy sets me on my last nerve. These kids have over 2 acres to run and play on and can’t help but sit under the window..leaning in the window and ogling, or yelling at the dog in the window.  I can’t even take the dog, a Chihuahua, outside because their little dog tears off and bites.  I’ve been bit twice,and my eX has been bit three times.  None of the adults speak English. For a year and a half now, with all the open space around us, we don’t have the ability to sit in front of our own apartment.

Grrr, arghhh.

I know, shallow, ain’t it?

Well, yesterday they were out there again, right by the front window, and my son tried to get them to understand that it was a space and privacy issue.  The guy called the landlord and said my son threatened to call the police.  Not what happened. I was standing in the doorway as he addressed the neighbor.  It should have been all good.

Now after talking with the landlord, they have moved to their own side of the yard.  And we have been written up for causing two disturbances now.  One more and we get evicted.  That would be very bad.

This afternoon I log onto my computer and Windows locks up solid and disappears.  Silly machine wants to install a new version because it can’t find any drives.  Took two hours to find the bug that ate Windows and got it working again.  Big sweat there.  Without this computer, i would neve have contact with the world.

My next fun dilemma for the day was to find out that the local circle of friends was having a pig picking tonight and we, ex and myself, weren’t invited.  He and I have figured out how to be separated and still hang out together..why can’t they live with that?

I am cranky and feeling deflated.  Doubting whether I ever really had a friend in the world at all.  Am I that despicable?  That cold, mean, and random?

I am going to ease my grief tonight with a giant rice crispie treat and a glass of root beer. Then crawl into bed with my pink fuzzy bunny rabbit and read myself to sleep reading “Death of the Liberal Class”.

Outside Looking In

It has broken into a mid-afternoon thunder shower.  It smells so fresh and new outside.  The sky is the perfect grey, tinged with pink as the clouds race.  I went outside and sat in the rain for a bit.  Just to let it wash away some of the fuzz in my head. You could taste the salt from the ocean in the drops.  Smell the sea in the breezes and it calls me home.

The beach is the only place in my entire life where I have escaped the family drama, found grace, and for a while put away all the hurt.  The hurt runs so deep. So deep that it burns like fire inside my body.  Fire that is straight from the pits of hell.  It scorches my every dream.  Devours my moments of peace.  Smolders, even when I am drenched in the rain.  The rain from the ocean.  I can hear the waves on the shore in the thrumming of the rain and I am trying to breathe it in. I want that feeling back again.

This weekend, some friends here in Raleigh, are having a Memorial Day cookout.  At least, I thought they were friends.  They were friends until I left my husband of 35 years.  now I am a pariah.  I have no place in their circle even after more than 20 years of friendship.  What’s worse, is they have isolated my eX, too.  They don’t invite him to events either.  And I really want him to have their support.  I want him happy.  Then there is this part of me that is pissed off that neither of us were even told about, let alone invited, to this party.  Is it rude?  Am I overly sensitive?  Probably some of both.  What good is it to call them friends..when…they are not?

Then, I think about the people I have left at the beach.  I miss them so much.  They have always accepted that I was a total nutcase, although they were never sure why I am the way I am.  And they would tell me when I was out of line.  Hell, several even got really pissed off at me a couple of times.  Made for several stressful months.  But, we always found our way back to friendship.  Now, that I am away from them, I appreciate how much they have always meant to me.  And I can see the difference in the ‘circle’ that I am running around the outside of, and the ‘circle’ where I belong to, within.

Guess you never know what you got, til it’s gone….pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

I’m glad we can choose our friends, unlike our families. And today, I am glad the rain brought my true friends to me on the breeze.

 

 

Sleepless

For the last couple of weeks I have just been trying to wrap my head around the thought that my state funded hours for therapy have run out.  I don’t have a therapist anymore.  And that scares me.  She had become my greatest supporter.  She helped me to stay on track.  Showed me how to recognize some of my triggers and how to find ways to fight them. So, I worry what will happen to me now.  I still got meds management.  At least that is good.

But, I am distraught.  I have lost my ground control.  I have lost one more reason to step outside my door and venture out into the world.  I don’t have to face riding the bus everyday and feeling the building anxiety of incoming panic attacks.  But I rode that bus to prove to myself that there was at least one trigger I could conquer.  Even that is not totally true.  A few weeks ago I totally freaked out.  I saw someone, and it triggered a flashback.  The panic set in fast.  The cold sweats, the quaking, the nausea, and the fear.  I heard the ding for a bus stop and I dove off the bus to the curb and vomited until I was spent and empty.  I had no idea where I was.  All I could see was ‘that man’ hovering over me…starring..oogling.  And it wasn’t real.  Noone was there.  Just me.  If I opened my eyes, there he was.  I crawled my way over to the bus stop bench and curled into a ball sobbing, waiting for it to stop.  A couple of buses came and went.  I just lay there, paralyzed.  Afraid.I don’t know how long it took me to gather my senses..an hour at least, and then I got onto another bus.  I was determined to get to my therapy session.  The same thing happened again.  Triggered.  Again I lay on the side of the road with traffic zooming by, bicyclists rolling by, and a jogger, too.  Noone stopped.  I staggered across the street into the shade and lay down.  I drank some water.  And I quaked, eyes squeezed shut against the panic and terror.  I found my cell phone, and thank goodness for speed dial.  My therapist is #1.  Pretty easy.  Then I called my husband at work.  He came and got me and took me to my therapy session where they called an ambulance.  The mental health hospital wouldn’t take me.  The crisis center told me to take a clonapam and go lay down somewhere quiet.  I was hallucinating!  I couldn’t open my eyes without seeing his face looming over me. A face that had molested me, harassed me, and made me afraid on buses.   This time I just can’t seem to get past it.  There is noone to sort it out with. No therapist.  No funding.  No insurance.  No hope.

I just want to sleep tonight.  And I can’t.  Tonight I am haunted by that face….still.I’m afraid to sleep for fear of dreaming.  The night terrors are horrible.  I feel pressed into the bed, unable to open my eyes to stop the terror.  Helpless.  Suffocating.

I sometimes think I just want to sleep and never wake up.

Help?

Brand New..gotta love me?

Here, alone, raining thundering down, quiet save for the raging noise n my head.  Or is it in my head?  Sometimes, I swear, it’s external.  Like two little mini mes’ sitting on my shoulders babbling and each with nothing positive or productive to say to me. 

How many years does it take to realize your life is counter productive?  That it is swarming in chaos and doubt and you don’t even know it.  You take the noise in your head as normal.  As the way it is.  All the rest of the world sees is an unthinking, unkind, self centered bully.  Someone who pushes through whatever crisis is on hand regardless of how the rest involved are feeling.  I say and do things that just flabbergast people.  Everything I am is out of context.

So it rains.  I try to find the grace in the dull rumble of thunder n the distance.  Try to realize that I am just another piece of the universal puzzle and look for a silver lining.  I am having trouble finding that place today.  There is no peace, even in this rain..and I love thunderstorms, they cleanse my spirit.  

Sitting here in my room alone I am reaching out further.  Casting a net wider to find other people like me.  People who find bipolar disorder or ptsd horrible to live with, and impossible to cope with daily.   This is about to become another page of my journey and I hope it makes us all feel less alone.