Here, alone, raining thundering down, quiet save for the raging noise n my head. Or is it in my head? Sometimes, I swear, it’s external. Like two little mini mes’ sitting on my shoulders babbling and each with nothing positive or productive to say to me.
How many years does it take to realize your life is counter productive? That it is swarming in chaos and doubt and you don’t even know it. You take the noise in your head as normal. As the way it is. All the rest of the world sees is an unthinking, unkind, self centered bully. Someone who pushes through whatever crisis is on hand regardless of how the rest involved are feeling. I say and do things that just flabbergast people. Everything I am is out of context.
So it rains. I try to find the grace in the dull rumble of thunder n the distance. Try to realize that I am just another piece of the universal puzzle and look for a silver lining. I am having trouble finding that place today. There is no peace, even in this rain..and I love thunderstorms, they cleanse my spirit.
Sitting here in my room alone I am reaching out further. Casting a net wider to find other people like me. People who find bipolar disorder or ptsd horrible to live with, and impossible to cope with daily. This is about to become another page of my journey and I hope it makes us all feel less alone.