Outside Looking In

It has broken into a mid-afternoon thunder shower.  It smells so fresh and new outside.  The sky is the perfect grey, tinged with pink as the clouds race.  I went outside and sat in the rain for a bit.  Just to let it wash away some of the fuzz in my head. You could taste the salt from the ocean in the drops.  Smell the sea in the breezes and it calls me home.

The beach is the only place in my entire life where I have escaped the family drama, found grace, and for a while put away all the hurt.  The hurt runs so deep. So deep that it burns like fire inside my body.  Fire that is straight from the pits of hell.  It scorches my every dream.  Devours my moments of peace.  Smolders, even when I am drenched in the rain.  The rain from the ocean.  I can hear the waves on the shore in the thrumming of the rain and I am trying to breathe it in. I want that feeling back again.

This weekend, some friends here in Raleigh, are having a Memorial Day cookout.  At least, I thought they were friends.  They were friends until I left my husband of 35 years.  now I am a pariah.  I have no place in their circle even after more than 20 years of friendship.  What’s worse, is they have isolated my eX, too.  They don’t invite him to events either.  And I really want him to have their support.  I want him happy.  Then there is this part of me that is pissed off that neither of us were even told about, let alone invited, to this party.  Is it rude?  Am I overly sensitive?  Probably some of both.  What good is it to call them friends..when…they are not?

Then, I think about the people I have left at the beach.  I miss them so much.  They have always accepted that I was a total nutcase, although they were never sure why I am the way I am.  And they would tell me when I was out of line.  Hell, several even got really pissed off at me a couple of times.  Made for several stressful months.  But, we always found our way back to friendship.  Now, that I am away from them, I appreciate how much they have always meant to me.  And I can see the difference in the ‘circle’ that I am running around the outside of, and the ‘circle’ where I belong to, within.

Guess you never know what you got, til it’s gone….pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

I’m glad we can choose our friends, unlike our families. And today, I am glad the rain brought my true friends to me on the breeze.

 

 

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